you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
