Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
