Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well I told him Iβve got the flu....he said heβd wear a condom
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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