he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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