Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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