You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
