If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
