Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
