I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
