If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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