I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
