He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
