so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
