just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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