I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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