every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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