My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
