Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
