Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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