from now on my penis is your penis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
