Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
