Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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