Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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