I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
