My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
