i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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