Where is the hickey?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
two words...techno handjob
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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