I have demons in me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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