just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
