normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
