My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Less talking, more tequila
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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