Your dad touched me again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
