Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
