You smell like stripper and shame
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
