it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
