I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
