I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
