you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
