I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
