my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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