Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
