I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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