You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
