dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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