Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
