ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
