who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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