If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
