I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
