Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
